Quast

Many years ago, I made friends with a professor who taught business communications in a respectable Long Island University. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that this self-reliant, well-educated, and good-looking woman could be the victim of domestic abuse. Yet, she was. As our friendship grew, she began to trust me and tell me about the awful experiences in her past. She had stayed in that abusive marriage for over fourteen years. When her son turned fourteen, for his sake as she put it, she ended the marriage. Fortunately for her, it was an opportune time because the husband had a girl friend who had become pregnant by him.

It is not always that easy. Most of the time the abusive partner does not want to let go and women cannot leave even if they want to, or if they do, they face poverty, stalking by their exes, or death.

During the last couple of decades, thanks to more awareness nationwide, domestic violence is being treated as a social and medical issue. This has led to opening of shelters and educating the caregivers and the public nationwide. Most states now require domestic violence courses for granting medical licenses.

Even with all the steps taken, experts agree that statistics of domestic violence are understated. In the United States a woman is battered every fifteen seconds. Seventeen percent of the adult pregnant women and twenty-one percent of pregnant teens are battered. The most important clue to abuse of a woman is child abuse. Children raised in a violent home are seventy four percent more likely to commit a crime against another person and fifty percent are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. Violence is the reason stated for divorce in twenty two percent of the marriages and domestic violence is the leading cause of injury in women.

Statistically, the domestic abuser is a male, although sometimes these roles may be reversed. The abuser uses threat of violence or violence itself in order to gain power, domination, and control over his partner. The events are usually progressive. They may begin with verbal abuse, belittling, making the woman lose confidence in herself and her actions. Afterwards, they escalate into shouting, pushing, and beating. Added to all this are an extremely insane, and uncontrollable jealousy and attempts to limit the actions of the woman to reach her family and friends or any kind of help. Thus the victim, progressively and on purpose, is caused to be isolated from the outside. Although some abusers may be helped by psychotherapy and behavior modification therapies, most abusers will not stay in therapy long enough.

Abuse and the tendency to control can be recognized even in a dating relationship. These are "forgiven" because the victim "loves" the abuser. She also mistakenly may believe that she can change the behavior after marriage and children. Unfortunately this is not the case. The controlling behavior continues all through the relationship and even after the divorce. After the divorce many men continue this control by not paying court ordered child-care or alimony payments.

Although abuse is expressed in many different ways, usually there seems to be a repetitive pattern or cycle of violence escalating to a higher level at each incident. The pattern circulates like this:

* After each incident the abuser apologizes.

* Promises are made for rehabilitation attempts.

* The abuser blames the victim.

* After some thought he denies, minimizes or rationalizes his actions.

* He brings gifts and is very charming for a short while.

* Soon both parties forget the incident.

* No abuse takes place for a while.

* Tension starts to rise.

* Minor incidents as if making mountains out of molehills begin.

* Communication breaks down.

* Victim and the family start being very careful around the abuser. "Walking on egg shells syndrome"

* Explosive episodes start and abuse -physical, sexual or emotional- occurs.

Abusers may also show behaviors that represent their own personal dynamics, pointing to behaviors they observed when the abusers were children, events within current or past relationships, or their evaluation of what they can lose at each episode.

Abusers exist in all levels of society, in all age groups, and socioeconomic levels. Abusers carry some or all of these characteristics:

* Violent temper

* Limited tolerance for frustration

* Jealousy, often to the extreme, erupting in violence

* Ego problems - He is (men are) always right.

* Career disappointments- even when they seem to be successful to others

* Accepting no responsibility for the abuse

* Inability to accept blame for any failure

* Suffering from depression, which they hide very aptly

* Attempting to isolate spouses and children

* Having a history of abuse in their childhood or within their family

* Increasing abusive behavior when the partner is pregnant

* Making promises for change and for things getting better

* Believing abusive behavior to be necessary to control the family and the children

* Having their abusive skills "improve" with time

* Demanding sexual practices not desired by the partner, leading to marital rape

* Exerting control over the partner by threatening suicide or homicide

An abused woman suffers emotional, psychological, physical and financial problems. Ninety per cent do not report it to their physicians and when asked about the scars they invent stories to cover up the abusive partner. Most of the time the covering up of the victim is due to her assessment of the risk in her situation. She may have fear of retribution for herself and her children if the abuser learns that the violence is disclosed. She may also feel shame and humiliation of what is happening to her. She may think she deserves the abuse for any number of reasons. She may feel other people, her physician, co-workers etc. may be too busy. She may be unfamiliar with the help available in her community.

Just like the abusers, victims too exist in all levels of society, in all age groups, and socioeconomic levels and have certain characteristics:

* Fifty percent of them experienced violence in the family they were raised.

* They marry young to escape their family.

* They have often been in an another previous abusive relationship

* They feel guilty to disturb others with their problems

* They feel responsible for the abuser's actions

* They may be protecting someone else other than themselves, usually their children.

* They will do anything to keep the abuser calm and not angry.

* They feel powerless with no choices

* Since abuser has taken control of her, the victim loses the ability to make decisions and seek changes.

* They show anxiety for making the routine decisions in everyday living, fearing a negative reaction to any decision they have made on their own.

* They have feelings of helplessness and isolation especially created and reinforced by the abuser.

* They have very low self-esteem, again intentionally reinforced by the abuser.

* They suffer from medical problems, depression, substance abuse, and psychosomatic illnesses.

* They don't sleep well mostly due to the concerns of violence and safety of themselves and their children.

* They are always on guard.

* They try very hard to make the home safe for their children because of that they take the blame for the abuser's actions.

When anyone meets such a person and wants to help them there are messages to be given when the time is appropriate. The victim needs to know that she will be believed and listened to, that she does not deserve this treatment, that abuse is a common problem, that she is not alone because help is available.

A Battered Woman's Bill of Rights

She has:

* The right not to be abused

* The right to be angry over past beatings

* The right to choose to change the situation

* The right to freedom from the fear of abuse

* The right to request and expect assistance from the police and social agencies

* The right to share her feelings and not be isolated from others

* The right to want a better role model for her children

* The right to be treated like an adult

* The right to leave the battering environment

* The right to privacy

* The right to express her own thoughts and feelings

* The right to develop her individual talents and abilities

* The right to legally prosecute the abuser

* The right not to be perfect

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Child abuse and domestic violence often exist together. The following symptoms in children should alert us to examine their situation more closely.

Prenatal:

* Miscarriages due to beatings or mother's stress

* Poor health due to lack of proper nutrition or mother's stress

Infants:

* Crying and irritability

* Sleep disturbances

* Digestive problems

Toddlers and Preschoolers:

* Being more aggressive or withdrawn than other children

* Impaired cognitive abilities

* Delays in motor or verbal abilities

* General fearfulness or anxiety

* Stomach aches and nightmares

* Lack of bowel and bladder control over three years old

* Lack of confidence to begin new tasks

School Age:

* Poor grades and/or special classes

* Failing one or more grade levels

* Poor social skills

* Low self-esteem

* Aggressiveness

* Outbursts of anger

* Bed-wetting or nightmares

* Digestive problems, headaches

Teenagers:

* Poor grades, failure, quitting school

* Low self-esteem

* Refuses to bring friends home, stays away or runs away from home

* Has no or few friends or withdraws from them

* Feels responsible for taking care of home and mother

* Violent outbursts and destroying property

* Poor judgment and irresponsible decision making

* Immaturity

* Inability to communicate feelings

* Bedwetting, nightmares

* Severe acne, headaches

* Joining in on beatings of mother

* Females getting hit by boyfriends

* Males hitting their girlfriends

SUGGESTIONS IF YOU ARE A VICTIM

If you find yourself facing a violent incident:

* Leave the physical presence of the batterer if possible.

* Leave home; locate your escape items.

* Get to a room with a lock on the door and a telephone.

* Call 911 or call the local shelter for battered women.

* Have your children call the police.

* Scream so your neighbor may hear and call the police.

* If you have to leave your children in the home contact the police immediately.

* If you leave by car, lock your car doors immediately and do not unlock the doors until you arrive safely at your destination.

* Check yourself and children for injuries and go to the hospital if necessary.

* Try to protect yourself in any way you can, if you can't leave.

The items you may need for a comfortable, safe escape:

* MONEY : Always have some hidden. If you can't keep it at home keep it in an easily accessible place, night or day. Plan to have enough for rent, phone calls, gas, food etc.

* KEYS : have extra sets both for the car and the home. One for you, the other to put some place else other than the home or to give to a friend for safekeeping.

* EXTRA CLOTHING : Consider the fact that you might have to escape in any season. Choose the clothing accordingly.

* IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS : Have a plan to gain quick access to them. At least have copies made.

1. social security numbers - his, yours, and children's

2. birth certificates- yours and children's

3. pay stubs -his and yours

4. bank accounts

5. insurance policies

6. marriage license

7. driver's licenses -yours and a copy of his

8. any ownership papers of property

9. copies of all you monthly bills

10. valuable jewelry

IMPORTANT TELEPHONE NUMBERS:

1. local police department or 911

2. shelter and another alternative shelter

3. victim's assistance

4. probation officer

5. social services

6. your counselor

7. his counselor

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Sources:

My Personal Notes

Salber and Taliaferro "The Physician's Guide to Domestic Violence" Volcano Press 1995

June Sheehan Berlinger, R.N. "Domestic Violence"

Jacobson, Neil and Gottman "When Men Batter Women: Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships" Simon and Schuster 1988

Joy Cagil is an author on Writing.Com (http://www.Writing.Com/) Her training is in foreign languages and linguistics. In her background are psychology, mental health, visual arts and music. Her portfolio can be found at: http://www.Writing.Com/authors/joycag

Never has a sport, or its participants been under such a strict inspection for doping as professional cycling is now. Even though time has passed since Floyd Landis was striped of his title as cycling's greatest champion after two of his urine samples showed an unusually high ratio of testosterone, the cycling authorities do not seem to get pass the embarrassment.

The races go on, but with more caution from the authorities, they do not want to leave any open window for a new scandal. Most American riders claim they are not to be involved in the doping allegations in Europe; we all understand the current problems are dangerous for the overall image of the sport. In the same way, they fear fans might label all cyclists as cheats and that will take away the fame and fun of the sport.

In Landis specific case media has played an important role and people has been led to confusion since no official trial has been conducted by the U.S Anti-Doping Agency. Some people believe his statements and say that he is innocent, some people believe he is guilty, and there are others who just blame it all on the French. People have made Floyd Landis a non-cheating cheater. I agree with people making their own opinion, what I really do not agree with is that, although the opinions are divided it all bends more toward the assumption that Landis is already guilty, well before the American cyclist has faced any official charges that may be brought against him by the United States Anti-Doping Agency for a positive test for testosterone at the Tour de France. Media gave Landis no opportunity, if we think back in cycling Justin Gatlins results were announced four months after he first tested positive, and because of a leak, his dream turned to a nightmare very quickly. I just feel that even though he was positive in both samples, he should have been given time to defend himself properly, instead of basically being tried immediately in the public eye.

Ally White is a top senior copy writer on sportsbook action for http://www.instantactionsports.com Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety on your site, make sure to leave all links in place and do not modify any of the content.

"In nature every moment is new; the past is always swallowed and forgotten; the coming only is sacred. Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit. No love can be bound by oath or covenant to secure it against a higher love. No truth so sublime but it may be trivial tomorrow in the light of new thoughts. People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled it there any hope for them." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

Recently I was reading the 7 Secrets For Successful Living By Marianne Paraday when a thought struck me. In the book, Paraday gives her annotations on the works of transcendentalist, author and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson and my thoughts spawned from his words noted in her writing: "Every man in his lifetime needs to thank his faults. Our strength grows out of our weakness."

Paraday writes at length about giving up our need for perfection and it got me thinking: How much our lives could be enriched if we could simply give up our quest to be perfect! After all, who defines the perfect house, income, body, relationship? If we let it, this quest could cause one to log endless amounts of time on what we're not, don't have and so on. What's more, what if we could actually transform imperfections and literally "grow our strength" directly from them?

In many of my other articles on self-awareness, I encourage readers to focus on the positive parts of themselves and let them expand. Yet, what to do with the imperfections? Here' three ideas.

Practice Total Self-Acceptance:

When undertaking the quest of full self realization, take responsibility for the total you. Yes, we all have parts of our lives that we don't envision for ourselves, but we must continue to accept them. It is always important to take full responsibility for who we are in this moment. The word "forgiveness" comes to mind. What it means to truly seek forgiveness of ourselves requires, in my opinion, an awareness and acceptance of what is. Remember the statement: It is what it is? it certainly applies here. Yes, we can seek to change what we do not desire, but first we must embrace it - take off the proverbial Band Aid and let it heal from the inside out.

Be Aware of Emotional Hide and Seek:

With this in mind, it is very easy to hide, cover up, aim to sweep away what ails us. It's not always as large as an eating disorder or pathology, for instance. It could be the day-to-day struggle of a strained relationship, addiction or financial instability. I'm convinced (through experience, sadly) what we continue to stuff and put away will not stop growing. In fact, when not acknowledged, trouble often manifests itself in a larger way later.

I like to remind myself that it's easier to deal with problems when they are small. Even when they are huge, it is easier to first break them down into bite-sized pieces and take baby-steps toward solving them. For example, a friend of mine actively worked to quit smoking after his heart-attack. One day he just stopped and told himself, "I can always have a cigarette. I think I'll wait 'till later." He told himself this from minute to minute as the urges struck him. After a day he said, "Oh, no problem, I can have a cigarette tomorrow!" When tomorrow came, he continued this dialogue in his head until he'd strung 10 years together. He told me, "I tried not to look too far ahead, I tried to stay in the day."

Use Your Active Imagination:

It is often a healthy practice to write a dialogue to a nagging imperfection and see what it wants. When I write a fictional story, for example, I literally get out pad and pen and create a dialogue with my character to talk to him/her. My aim is to decide what the story is that he wants to tell. I often use this same technique when dealing with a less than perfect part of myself. Give this a try. First identify the imperfection, then give it an identity by "talking" to it on paper. Find out what it wants, then find a way to fulfill its need and make peace with it. Finally, say goodbye and let go.

In Conclusion:

True, it's uncomfortable to go into the places that scare us. Yet, the reality is, our lives are the productions of our choices, unconscious or conscious. Isn't it worth our time to carefully consider each step? Moreover, instead of stuffing, why not continue to "grow your strength" from the obstacles that lie before you. We could all do worse than to let go of our need to be perfect and seek only our own highest truth. If nothing more, remember the words of Emerson himself: "Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."

Laura M. Turner is a health journalist, author and net-preneur. She hosts: Beauty & Body Online ( http://www.beauty-and-body.com ) Your Home For Natural Health, Wellness & Creative Abundance. Visit: http://www.new-body-news.com to sign up for her free eZine: The New Body news and Wellness Letter.

House dust mites are tiny creatures that essentially feed off dead skin cells routinely shed from humans and their animal pets. Common lounging areas, often-used furniture, carpeted areas within these realms and mattresses play host to large numbers of these microscopic bugs. Skin cells and scales, commonly called dander, entice the mites to stay in these areas.

Some fun facts: A regular run-of-the-mill mattress is home to thousands of dust mites ... and 100,000 of their friends can inhabit one square yard of carpet. Ready for more? A single dust mite produces about 20 waste droppings each day, each containing a protein to which many individuals are allergic. The combination of feces and skin sheddings contribute to allergic reactions in humans. And finally, one last tidbit of enlightenment, unlike other types of mites, house dust mites are not parasites, since they only eat dead tissue.

Where do they spend their time?

Well, they spend their time in the same place you spend most of yours (about a third of your life), in your mattress. Beds are the focal stomping grounds for dust mites. Can you stomach this - a common used mattress may house anywhere from 100,000 to 10 million mites inside. That two-year old pillow that you lay your head on every night may be composed of dead mites and their droppings - comprising 10 percent of the weight of the pillow. The inside of a mattress is heaven for mites because they prefer warm, moist surroundings. While they are snuggling inside your mattress, they are noshing on dander from you and your pet.

Can they hurt me?

While they are disgusting, house dust mites are not actually harmful. However, the medical significance of house dust mites arises because their microscopic cast skins and feces are a major ingredient of house dust that triggers allergic reactions in some people.

Taking control

Focus your efforts on controlling dust. Reduce the concentration of dust-borne allergens in the living environment by controlling both allergen production and the dust which serves to transport it.

For the bedroom environment:

* Enclose the mattress top and sides with a plastic cover or other dust mite impervious cover. Thoroughly vacuum mattress pillows and the base of the bed. An airtight plastic or polyurethane cover for your mattress may virtually eliminate the mites closest to you.

* According to the nation's largest Craftsman-Direct mattress retailer, Verlo Mattress Factory Stores, the best thing you can do is to throw out a mattress after eight to 10 years. Franchisor John Henry recommends choosing a mattress that is infused with Talalay Latex, citing that latex does not promote a favorable environment for dust mites.

* Wash those sheets and blankets every two weeks in hot water. The water used should be at least 130 degrees Fahrenheit. Set your washing machine to its hottest setting.

* Don't forget to wash the children's stuffed animals. As cute and fuzzy as they are, they also harbor these microscopic creatures.

You may not be able to conquer all of these creatures, but taking some of these preventive measures certainly will help!